the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
