FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
