I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
