UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
