so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
