Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
