Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
