party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
