It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
