"it" just moved
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
