YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
