If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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