you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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