Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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