I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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