If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
