I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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