Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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