Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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