My friends, they love my intelligence
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
