Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
