So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
