whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
