So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
