i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
