John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
