I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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