You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
