Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
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