i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
