we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can't put those talents on a resume
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
