eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
