I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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