Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
