we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
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