A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also, beer. Big fan.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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