i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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