my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
