cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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