i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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