I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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