Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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