I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I am one with the molecules
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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