two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I love having hate sex.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i think im in europe. pls send help
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
