fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
