walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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