There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
