.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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