Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
