Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
