it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
