Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
